My Infidelity Story

This was originally written in December 2018. Please see the bottom of this story for current updates.

There is a lot to my story with regards to the infidelity within my marriage. My story is a never-ending psychological horror one. I will try to sum it up the best I can for the purpose of letting you know a little more about myself and my experience. I hope to one day write the X-rated version but for now it is the watered-down version.

Prior to September of 2015 I would have never been able to write an autobiography. My life was a boring cookie cutter life. I was a soccer mom, classroom mom, stay-at-home parent and wife who lived in the suburbs.

Going through infidelity in my marriage has been the most challenging, exhausting and mentally draining thing that has happened to me. It is like waking up every day to find out a person close to you died overnight and it happens every day. After researching the effect of infidelity on the betrayed I found there is scientific evidence betrayal trauma wrecks the most havoc on the brain compared to other types of mental trauma.

My first Discovery Day (what we in the world of infidelity call it) was September 3, 2015.  It was my Daughters 13th birthday. Her birthday will never be the same for me. 

I had felt a distant coldness from my husband the night before. The feeling was so strong I knew without a doubt it needed to be investigated further. My intuition was knocking on my head with a baseball bat, and I could not ignore it. He was also being extra cautious about hiding his phone. One time that night I went out on the back patio to join him and he jumped.  I knew something was going on but did not know what it was. I assumed it was porn since I knew he hid that from me.

Our whole relationship, 17 years married, I NEVER questioned his fidelity. His fidelity was something I would argue to the fullest when asked. There was a time my Mom asked me. “Are sure you can trust him?” When I replied “yes” she said, “you never know.” I was upset she would even suggest such a thing.

The eve of my daughter’s birthday, all those intuitive feelings running around my head I knew I needed to investigate further. I am thankful I did. Thank you, intuition! 

The next morning, I got up earlier than him in hopes I could sneak a peek at his phone.  To my surprise his phone was on lock-down which confirmed a little bit of what my intuition was telling me. He had never had a lock on his phone. While I was at work, I peeked at our cell phone bills. I found thousands of texts and calls to a number unknown to me. I knew what I was discovering. When I confronted my husband via text messages and asked whose number it was, he gave me a portion of the truth.  He said it was a friend whom he had been reaching out to.  He said he was just talking to her about how to help our marriage. I was furious, this is the moment my world got flipped upside down.

I immediately let my supervisor know I needed the rest of the day off.  I spent time on the phone with my Mother-in-law and my best friend, they were both appalled.   I ignored my husband’s calls and texts for the most part. I didn’t want to hear crap from him.   I was sick to my stomach.  This was my first taste of what mental torture feels like.  The loss was greater than losing a close family member. I had hoped to never feel this pain again. 

I somehow managed to pull myself together enough to get my daughter’s birthday cake.  I had planned on leaving the home for an undetermined amount of time after we celebrated her birthday.  When my husband came home, I was all packed. I had warned the kids that I was going to leave for the night and not to worry.  I let them know this was something I had to do and assured them I would be back. 

We finished the birthday celebration and I headed off to the hotel. My husband begging me to stay the whole way to the car.  I got to the hotel and felt calm and at ease.  To this day I have no idea how I maintained my composure.  I got on the phone with my best friend again and talked about how I was doing, she was concerned for my safety.  My husband was trying to call me and was sending texts begging me to come back.  After getting off the phone with my friend I sent a message to my husband letting him know my whereabouts and he could come talk to me. He came to the hotel and we talked for a long time. I will never forget the look on his face when he first entered the room.  It was a look of complete devastation.  If not for this look on his face, I would have never given him another minute. At that point in time, he was showing true remorse.

That was my first Discovery Day.  Over the next year more and more facts came out.  He had an emotional and sexual affair with a lady whom I had never met but was familiar with.  It took months for him to admit it was more than just texts. Months that were stolen from me when it came to healing.  Just this last year I found out there were two other women in that timeframe that I had suspicions about, but he had not confirmed them at that time of the first discovery.

I worked hard on healing myself from the worse trauma and PTSD I had thought possible.  It was debilitating. For months I barely left bed and when I did it was to take a bath. The bed and bathtub were the only places I could find comfort. I became a shell of who I once was. I lost 50 pounds. Our kids lost the mom they knew. I did extensive therapy using the EMDR method. I had to be put on medication for my mental health and for my stomach. My heart hurt every day. The crushing pain was intense and relentless. By the time the third year of recovering was almost up I had 95% of my original trust back in my husband. We worked hard to reach that point. Or so I thought.

During those three years my husband joined a motorcycle club. I stuck by his side the whole time even though it was something I would not have chosen. I turned into a “biker chick” and loved it. I would spend every Friday night at his clubhouse.  I went on as many trips as I could.  It was fun and romantic.  The motorcycle helped me lead a different life and forget about how things used to be. It was a form of therapy for us. At least this is what I thought to be the truth.

Skip ahead almost 3 years from my first D-Day, my second D-day occurred on August 26th, 2018. I found out he had been cheating on me the whole time since the first Discovery Day. It didn’t matter how much I was with him or how much I supported him; he was a cheater. Some of the woman I knew, some just random Tinder and Plenty of Fish skanks.  Later I was able to figure out more than 12 women total and with his memory I would not be surprised if there are more. I have not asked my Husband for more information, since I learned from the last experience, not all information is good for healing. On top of his betrayal, I feel betrayed by the brothers and sisters in this motorcycle club.  They had promised me (before my husband joined) they would punch his eye out if he were to be unfaithful again. I was also promised the other woman would get handled too.  I am still waiting for his eye to get socked and all the woman to be on a missing person’s report. I can dream, right? What did the club do? They kicked him out, repossessed his bike in hopes that I would deliver to him what he deserves by divorcing him.

So here I am freshly dealing with infidelity recovery all over again.  This time it is worse. I am having triggers about triggers I dealt with last time.  There is more woman, more people I know, more involvement in the community, the embarrassment is worse. In the first weeks of this discovery my husband gave me information that I would never want to know. It must have been my calm state that made him feel comfortable. For some reason the first couple of months of dealing with this trauma feel as though you are watching your own reality show instead of being in it. I was able to detach myself from the emotions. At first, he was proud of himself and went around bragging about it right in front of me making everyone uncomfortable. The behavior from those first weeks has more than doubled the pain that I felt before. I am losing weight, shaking to the point where I have bruises and scratches on me. The hyper vigilance I experience is intense and exhausting. There are times I can hear a needle drop on the ground from miles away. I know I will make it through this better, stronger and will be a kick ass woman who will do wonders for other people who suffer from this type of betrayal. I know this because I did this before.  I will make it because what choice do I have?  Yes, suicide crosses my mind every day. It would be much easier if I was not here to feel this pain. Eventually it will not be like this. Last time it took 2 years 7 months and 23 days to have a day where I did not think about being dead. I will get there all in time. This time around I am aware of some dos and don’ts when it comes to healing from such a huge betrayal.

For now, I am staying with my husband, it really all depends on his desire to seek help.  He has agreed to therapy (which he refused last time), he shows a tremendous amount of remorse compared to before and he is aware of how long it takes to heal from this. I am hoping we can continue our marriage.  I know it will never be the same, but I know we can make it something better. Seventeen years of a beautiful marriage would go to waste if we were to give up now. 

I created this blog to share my stories, a place to vent, find similar betrayed persons and to share advice on coping and recovering. I hope you never find yourself in this situation and if you do, I sincerely hope the information on this blog provides you with something positive no matter how minuscule. Please reach out to me if you need to talk or need assistance. I will not turn you away.

“You will never be the same, but you can be better.”   – Lauren Beth

Update March 2021. Since this was written there is another really long story that I will eventually share but for now here is the current status deets.

  • Divorced in the summer of 2019 after I ran away and he went to jail for domestic abuse.
  • My kids and I were homeless during that spring and summer.
  • I found a job and got a home for my children.
  • My husband is currently in the home and we are working on repairing our relationship.

 

 

 

14 thoughts

  1. I’m so sorry that you are going through this trauma (and it is indeed traumatizing). I’d encourage you to do some research on sex and love addiction. It’s not Harvey Weinstein or anything else you see on TV. Sexual compulsivity (which may match your husbands use of porn, emotional and physical affairs, internet chats and hookups, etc.) is real and recognized by the World Health Organization as a disorder. I know it’s daunting, but I think you’ll find some good resources there. I suggest taking a look at the Sexaholics Anonymous website (sa.org) as well as the websites for Rob Weiss, Vicki Tidwell Palmer, Marsha Means, and Dr. Omar Minwalla. I don’t suggest this to toss a label onto your husband. As the wife of a sex addict I know that while some infidelity recovery materials and processes are helpful for sex and/ or love addiction, others are not. My husband didn’t start to recover until we recognized that we weren’t dealing just with infidelity and betrayal, but much more on top of that.

    Good luck to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very very painful and cruel and unfair. I am struggling really bad right now but know there is going to be great days. Feel free to message me anytime. Hugs back at ya!

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  2. I am horrified by your story. And so sorry. Seventeen years is a lot but not the almost thirty I had under my belt when I entered the hell that is DDay. One question… a bit personal… I assume you are either getting regular STD check ups and/or insisting on condoms if you two are back to having sex. I hope you don’t believe him if he says he practiced/practices safe sex with these other women because they never do in affairs. The HPV is rampant and leas, possible, to cervical cancer. Please have yourself checked and ask him to have an STD panel done and show it to you. My story is spread over Shattered Wife since 2016…I’m Molly Magee. If I get to year five and still feel any doubts over my husband’s faithfulness and integrity, I am out. My youngest will be launched into his young adult life by then and I don’t care if it will be 35 years of marriage down the tubes. Nothing can replace feeling safe and content – even if I have to be alone. I am not afraid of being alone; only of him doing this again. Good luck. Be safe. Protect yourself. Peace… Molly magee

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    1. 30 years is a long time. Do you think you are better off knowing would have rather not known?
      About your question. I did get STD testing. I do regularly with my checkups just because you never know know. Every yearly appointment I dread because I am going to be asked. I remember a day I would say without a doubt my husband would never cheat on me. The good ol’days.
      Good luck to you too.

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      1. Lauren… I just saw you replied… I’m mostly dealing w/this on my own now.. we’ve tried 3x to deal with it in marriage counseling but it doesn’t work… there’s a lot of muddled thinking out there even among counselors on affairs. Also, my early issues of being an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic) and many previous abandonment issues make working on it thru AlAnon meetings and solo therapy more effective than marriage counseling. I honestly am astounded that you are with your husband… I say this w/no judgement but if I found out there was even one more woman… I’ve told him.. I’m done… out. I believe your husband and mine have a sex addiction -clearly. But I couldn’t emotionally, mentally and spiritually go thru what i did starting July 2016 to present again and over and over – the fear of STDs (my brother died of AIDS in the epidemic years ago but people still do get it and die of it and of cervical cancer… from HPV), the fear of him knocking up a younger woman, the fear of it hurting our children and our finances (my husband’s affair partner has criminal record and I’m sure was after our $$ as well as his attention and dick) and just the PTSD x10,000 feelings. It’s changed everything between us. I am still confused as to whether staying long term is right for me but right now confusion is keeping me here and my youngest child with two parents who care very deeply for him. He also has a disability so that complicates things more too. Our adult daughter was also fighting cancer while he cheated too… how do you like that? Nothing… not all the work I put into even our kids – kept him loyal. And at this point I’m still sick with my own issues… obsessing about her and just part of me went bonkers from all of this. Do I wish I had never known… part of me … yes, of course. They were so careless… well she was the idiot who blew their cover but him too. They had private text and email accounts. The story of I found out is similar to your story (they all cheat on phones and laptops now) except my dopey husband actually lent me his phone .. yes.. forgetting he had their texting app up and running and a text came thru from his ditz in Dallas. This c-t traveled all the way to New England to have a physical (after almost two year emotional) affair w/my husband. That wasn’t a clue she was stalking/targeting him aka a deeply troubled soul and trouble maker. And she’s no kid… in her 50s now and no great shakes looks wise (and especially size wise) but satisfied his fantasy for long dark hair and curls. So be it. Now I’m working trying to just getmyself healty as I’m in my mid 50s and I feel still sick from the whole thing. Some days I wish I didn’t ever know…. most I’m at least grateful I am so I can watch my health. I’ll never ever trust him again to take care of my gyno health like I did – I will get tested for the remainder of my life w/him because well… you know why. He took my mental, physical and spiritual health and thru it in the trash with the help of his AP. I tell him all the time, I have slowly started to forgive him but I will never forgive her. What a piece of trash. Oh, and she cheated on her first husband and was cheating w/my husband on that second husband so who did he think was next??? I really wish yo the best of peace and health for yourself and kids. I think you must some kind of saint to stay with this man. But I get it… you will know when if it’s time to go in your own time. MM

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m 13 months past the horrible, horrible betrayal of not only my husband of 31 years (at the time) and my best friend since 3rd grade. I too never questioned his dedication to our marriage until I started noticing looks and comments exchanged between them. I didn’t want to accuse them without proof- not wanting to risk it being just an overreaction, not justified and losing the 2 most important people in my life. She was divorcing her husband and was struggling with her ailing parents, etc, and was at my house every evening – even borrowing my car to avoid her husband following her, It turns out that was because she didn’t want him to know about the affair. I found my confirmation by linking his work phone to his iPad. There it was – texts, photos, videos. I haven’t spoken to her since I found out, though she did email me that I didn’t deserve this. Big of her, huh? My husband and I are in counseling and he is truly remorseful and has done everything I have needed. My biggest fear? That it will happen again. I can’t do this again and the fear keeps me from 100% committing to trusting him. Our adult daughter is devestated and tells me I’m a fool for staying – she was quite the daddy’s girl and still only tolerates him. I have distanced myself from all of my friends due to “her” betrayal which I know is not fair to me or them, but I struggle to trust anyone in my life. I’m lonely from losing my social life, my best friend and what I thought was a good marriage. I’m from a very small town where everyone knows each other too. I feel ashamed and isolated though I have done nothing but try to do the right thing and not cause more distress by revenge and hate.

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  4. I am sorry you fell victim to this horrible behavior. Thank you for sharing your story. There is always a little comfort in knowing you are not the only one.

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