I am at a point in recovery where I am facing the facts about everything in my marriage with the focus being the last 3 years.
The last few years feel fraudulent. Before the second D-Day I was at a point where I was the happiest I had been my entire life. I thought our marriage was the best it had ever been.
Now I spend Everyday sick to my stomach. My heart does not stop racing, it has now been racing for 7 months straight without a single break. I am under constant attack from all the “feels” and I see no relief soon. My only option to get help would be to go to the emergency room and tell them I was suicidal which I am not. Of course, I wake up everyday not wanting to live but I would never kill myself.
The worse part about all of this, is the guilt I feel for not being a good mother or wife. My family is suffering. I got asked the other day to make dinner. I had to ask my family what I used to cook. I did not remember what I used to cook! Thankfully my family remembers and filled me in. So, for right now my tiny goal is to make the family a dinner. I am hoping to do stuffed cabbage. Just thinking about it right now makes my heart race that much more. It feels like a huge monumental task. Making stuffed cabbage is my equivalent to an obese person that plans on summiting Mount Everest. I just hope it doesn’t take near as long as if I were to climb the mountain.
My family will never get the old me back. Infidelity is a traumatic event for the whole family. There is a reason a home wrecker is a home wrecker.
Why is recovery so much worse this time?